Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Is it a waste of brains to be a stay-at-home Wife and Mother?
I have a friend who is getting married. She is very intelligent and has been taking post-secondary education for the past two years in pursuit of a professional occupation. In the middle of this time she met the love of her life. Recently she has decided not to continue her education. Some people are supportive and some are very disappointed.
Reasons not to continue:
*By the time she is finished her education she wants to be having children.
*She wants to be a stay-at-home mother and wife so she can raise her own children and care for her husband.
*The profession she was pursuing requires a certain number of hours to keep your license so she couldn't just go back to it eventually.
*There is a possibility with the jobs her and her husband are pursuing that they could 'tag team', having one at home while the other is working and visa versa, but that is not the marital relationship (or lack of) that they want.
So, the question again. Is is a waste of brains for her to 'quit' school with the expectation of eventually being a stay-at-home Wife and Mother?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Coming up

This month we are reading Chapters 4 & 5.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Crazy Love

I recently watched "The Notebook" again. You are introduced to Noah and Ali in their senior and young adult years and they are crazy in love in both. It is easy to see the passion in the younger days. In their senior years Noah gives up his home and life he knows and probably really enjoys, to live in an old folks home to be with is beloved wife. Struggling with dementia, she rarely remembers who Noah is. However, he reads to her everyday, takes her for fresh air, eats with her, provides opportunity for her to see their children, whom she has forgotten. He does whatever he can to bring her some joy, to make her day easier, pleasant. Why? I would say it is because he loves her like crazy, even still.

When Tim and I were 'courting', he wrote me love notes on the pavement in marbles, sang to me, brought me soup when I was sick, took me on romantic (attempted) outings... Why? Well, of course because he loved me like crazy! Does he still do these things? Mm, sometimes. Definitely not as often. Does that mean he loves me less or takes me for granted? No, it doesn't. Today that 'courting' just looks different. This was an interesting point in Chapter One. Now he shares the budget with me so I am aware, he talks to me about his day-his frustrations and accomplishments, he keeps the boys quiet so that I can sleep a little longer, he does the dishes a lot of the time because he knows I hate having a dirty kitchen, and he abolishes clutter because I am bad at it and it drives me nuts.

Have I seen these things as Tim 'courting' me? Not usually. Why does he do it? Definitely not because he just has a hankering for it. He wants to bring me a little extra joy in the day, make my job easier, pleasant. He wants to show me that he loves me like crazy and desires me enough to put his desires and comforts aside for a time. The question now is do my actions say the same to him?

Quote from a wife (pg 11-12)
...Without acknowledging the more subtle ways our husbands show us they love us, we rob ourselves and them of that connection. When their efforts are ignored long enough, isn't it inevitable that they'll eventually stop?

We are reading Chapter 2 this week

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Sex and Ice cream

How many wives wish their husbands were stronger spiritual leaders? (After writing that sentence I have become very curious as to the answer.) How many of us have a husband with a strong, growing and/or deep faith and still we wish they were stronger leaders in the home or our relationship? I know it is true for a few friends I have talked with. So why is this? I once said to my husband that "if our spiritual relationship was an ice cream cone I feel like I get a lick every once in a while." He was discouraged by that comment. I want to connect , I want to share that ice cream cone.
I am beginning to wonder about this connectedness. From my experience and the men quoted in this book, I hear that men connect intimately on a physical level, especially through sex, that then gives way to the emotional/spiritual level. Women on the other hand want to connect intimately on an emotional/spiritual level and then that opens the door for the physical intimacy.
These are needs we each have. Why did God set us up this way? I'd venture to say He did it that way so we can really understand what it means to be selfless, to trust. Do I give my physical self as a gift to my husband? A gift being something given with pleasure without expecting something in return. Aren't we called to attend to each others needs? Didn't we promise that when we got married?
If my husband is feeling shut-down so often in the area where he is most familiar/comfortable and feels his greatest intimacy and vulnerability with me, then why would he venture to open up and pursue intimacy in those other areas of our relationship where he feels less comfortable?When did it become all about me? I want to show my husband love by doing everything I can to meet his needs. It's the least I can do. After all, he does a wonderful job of doing that for me. But even if he didn't...
So back to the ice cream cone...maybe there is not two ice cream cones, spirituality and sexuality but one cone. He has the cone and I have the ice cream. They need each other to be whole.

This topic came out of our discussion from the introduction. The following quote comes from the intro and really encompasses my experience with this book.

" I am a thirty-seven-year-old man who has seen quite a bit in live, and I can offer this to your search for how to treat a man. We are men, not dumb-dumbs, psychics, or one bit unromantic. We need only clear communication, appreciation, honest love, and respect. This will be repaid by laying the moon and stars at your feet for your pleasure. There is no need to 'work' a man to get what you want. We live to take care of a wife, family, and home. Just remember that we are men, and know that our needs are simple but not to be ignored.
A good man is hard to find, and simple to keep." -Dan

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Our first get together

To pursue my husband with the same kind of and intensity of passion that I did when we were dating or even more. Is that possible in marriage? I have heard 'yes'. Is it common? I don't think so. Can we make it more common? Yes, we can; one choice at a time. I am up for the challenge. What does that look like do you think?

A joke with a purpose: The mayor and his wife walk into a community function and sit down a little later in walks the wife's high school sweetheart. The mayor leans over to his wife and whispers, 'Just think if you had of married him you would have been a carpenters wife.' His wife replies, 'No, I would have been the mayor's wife.'

I suppose this joke could be taken several ways but I see it like this. A wife has incredible power to help a husband be successful, to achieve his dreams and to meet a potential he had never imagined or she has the power to squash his spirit, crush his confidence and destroy his desire to dream. I want to be the former.

This is my purpose in marriage: To have a GREAT marriage relationship, to learn how to help my husband to be the very best, most confident person he can be, to learn how to be his biggest fan.

I expect to find a wonderful joy and freedom in this. Do you think this kind of attitude or expectation of a wife is confining or limiting or..? I have no problem with hearing conflicting views.

For discussion in the 3rd week of February we are reading the Introduction and Chapter one of "The proper care and feeding of Husbands".

Been and Going

For the last five years I have been fighting with depression. This year I decided to accept that I was feeling depressed and then knowing what that darkness was that I was fighting with, I began to attack it with some clarity and strength; I saw a psyciatrist, talked to my friends, asked myself some hard questions holding God's hand through it all and started looking outward again instead of being stuck with my eyes turned inward. It feels so good to be out of that dark, critical, hopeless, unmotivated, lonely place. So now that I feel like my joyful self again I have some bad habits to break in myself mostly in regards to how I treat my husband...ok God, how?
In the summer my mom and I read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's "The proper care and feeding of husbands". The concepts in that book challenged me a lot and encouraged me to be an awesome wife. Did God use Dr. Laura to speak to me? Sure did. So I would like to share this journey of becoming an awesome wife. How long will it take? Oh, probably the rest of my life. But I am sure that it will be worth it. I hope you will hike along and share your thoughts here too.
A few other wives and I are getting together to read and discuss this book a couple times a month, my hope is that we will bat some thoughts back and forth here between book club nights. If anyone else wants to join the online discussion you are very welcome to read along.